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Article to be published in the dailies Prothom Khalo, Khaler Kontho, Samakhal, Drogantor
Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons, condemns the mindless sack of the Capital, King’s Landing, by Lord Jon Snow the Idiot, who had sacked the city last Sunday (IT IS KNOWN), razed it to dusts and ashes by Wildfire, and absconded subsequently. Queen Daenerys laments this gratuitous violence and resents her brief association with this brutish Northerner as well.
Fortunate survivors bore chilling witness in Her Flagrancy’s court amid the ruins of the once-magnificent Red Keep against Lord Snow’s egregious ways of quenching blood-thirst, greed, and lechery. After Drogon the Badbreath so graciously breached the front gates for him, the once King in the North charged forward with the Northern Infantry regiment, the infamous Winterwhores, conveniently and unscathed. Though a Snow, Lord Jon tried to emulate his honourmonger father Lord Eddard Stark, who also led a regiment against the Targaryens in his hey-day, and laid waste to a fair part of the Capital. A thorough xenophobe as all true Northerners, Jon Snow butchered through the ranks of the Golden Company, the swords for hire from across the Narrow Sea. When the Lannister regiment saw reason and surrendered after trying to save the city for a few minutes, Jon Snow broke every sane norms of war, and rushed the disarmed soldiers with his Valyrian steel sword purportedly stolen from a Lord Commander he served as a steward in his Night’s Watch days (suffice it to say, the Commander was murdered under mysterious circumstances). Notoriously sharp and soaked in poison from the White Walker flesh-crystal, the sword lent undue malice to the ensuing slaughter of unarmed soldiers and civilians. Witnesses submit that Jon Snow, also addressed by the moniker “Game Hog” among the Northerners, admonished his brothers in genocide for trying to rush past him and bag a few kills for themselves, issued explicit orders to stay put, and enjoyed the hack-spree all by himself for a few disciplined moments.
Goodwife Flowbottom, a survivor, testified under oath that Lord Snow interrupted her imminent ravishment by one of his corporals, gutted the miscreant for protesting and demanding a fair share of booty, claimed her for himself, and then told her to find a place to hide, presumably a cave. Jon Snow has a thing for bringing women down to caves and subjecting them to reprehensible acts of debauchery (IT IS KNOWN). Maesters have confirmed this to be a Northern nastiness. Jon Snow acts oh-so-shag-shy before Royalty when They need a pick Us up humping, but throw him a working class wench and he will stop at nothing. His half-sister Arya was also seen scuttling around the city and flushing women out of safe hideouts, only to throw them to the cavalry cocksmen. The Khaleesi had very few options to bring these bad people to heel and scorched a few street corners as a cautionary move and protect the good people of King’s Landing, the people she loves and rules, the people who loves her back (IT IS KNOWN).
This is not the first time Jon Snow came to Authority’s attention for wanton dereliction of duties. He was expelled from Winterfell for relentless bastardism, tried before the Council of Night’s Watch for cavorting with the enemy, and caught by the Free Folk while trying to assassinate the King beyond the Wall. He was even killed later by his fellow Wall-Men for taking the very tenets of the army he served as Commander to cave. An indefatigable pursuer of poontang, Jon Snow somehow wooed a witch to buzz him back from the clutches of the Seven while he lay naked on a bench, served to her like a turkey (IT IS KNOWN). Even in his boyhood, this Cuntivore of Winterfell killed a giant and sustained himself for weeks on giant’s milk he purloined from the poor bloke’s wife under suspicious circumstances. While the Northerners swear on everything by Winter’s approach, in the Far North, the watchword is “Jon Snow is coming” among the wives of giants, dwarves, elves, and what have you (IT IS KNOWN).
In his long and successful career as a traitor, he betrayed the trusts of the Night’s Watch, The Wildling Army, Stannis Baratheon the Wannabe Usurper, the people of the North, his pet dire wolf Ghost, and now, the Khaleesi. The North can sleep a few extra peaceful minutes assured that he is not their king any longer. In fact, if one ever wishes to know how life will unfold with all its fuckery under the worst possible king, they should go and have this Snow guy coronated.
The Realm will be safer if this man is apprehended and punished posthaste. His execution will be a paean to the craft of Architecture among Men and the art of Breastfeeding among Giants.
Valar Morghulis. Now bend the knee.
CLASSIFIED AD
ARE YOU A YOUNG WOMAN WHO SPEAKS MORE THAN THREE FOREIGN TONGUES FLUENTLY? DO YOU LIKE FOREIGN TONGUES? DO YOU APPRECIATE FOREIGN TONGUES THE UNSULLIED COMMANDER IS VERY GOOD AT FURNISHING? THEN PLEASE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO Brigadier G. Worm FOR LINGUISTIC ASSESSMENT AT THE CAMP OF THE KHALEESI OUTSIDE THE CITY GATES. APPLICANTS FROM The Island of Naath AND WITH DEMONSTRABLE HABIT OF TAKING SHOWERS EVERY OTHER DAY WILL BE GIVEN PREFERENCE. VALAR DOHAERIS.
-------------- Sawgat Iqtikar
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